Living in my dreams

For a while now, I started feeling my dreams are so real... I meet a person that makes me feel safe and warm and I wake up feeling, I just want to spend my life in there and it feels so real to me, but to get reminded I'm in this reality and this reality is my life.

Movies/tv shows do depict the society and what has happened around the world. I can't remember what series I saw this on, but I remember an old woman who kept going in to her dreams/coma and she had her life in there, happy and fulfilled, and when she woke up, she chose and ask her doctors to allow her to continue sleeping forever. The episode ended with her given I believe euthanasia and she return back to her life in the dream.

I'm not so fortunate. My dreams comes once in a while. Its the 2nd time I had it in the last 6 months. But I know its probably just a dream. A fiction that my mind made up for me to fill fulfilled, safe, and warmth that I might feel I don't get in this reality.

Who knows, maybe the root started with my family. I woke up having this idea in my head today. Maybe when I get so sick and tired of the situation, I will just give them an ultimatum and just choose the easy way out. To just tell them, you married the wife you chose and; you chose the husband you married, so just go away and sort out your own issues, if not, I won't return to SG. Very tempting. To just run away. To not face "family". Its the easy way 'cos I've never felt the connection with my "family". They are just parents I didn't chose for, and I'm just the kid they can't choose. After meeting Cindy in high school, I started striving to build close family ties. Cindy gave me the inspiration. I took on the challenge, but now, a certain part of me want to just let it be. Call me unfilial, heartless, whatever, that is how i grew up (no excuse, but seriously, whatever). I love my Mom and I love my Dad, but if you ask me if I have a family, I won't know what to say. Actually, I do, I will say no. And no, I'm not being ungrateful. I'm grateful for all the material needs that they have provided. But that doesn't mean its a family. I have a Mom and I have a Dad. They both love me very much. But I can't call it the family that people call theirs. I guess they support me in the only way they know. But I feel like their pawn. Each wants me on their side. And I am, but that doesn't mean I don't see the wrongs on both side either. Yes, I get food supplied for me, I get money given, yeah, I even got an extended expensive life changing education. What more can a kid ask for yeah? I just want them to work out their own issues and not involve me anymore. Aunts and uncles always preach, its the adults problem its between them. Then keep it that way. Even thou I understand that its NEVER the adults problem and its NEVER between them, 'cos its FAMILY. Kids are part of the so call "FAMILY". Don't just involve them and then, don't involve them, and confuse the part they are suppose to play in the "Family". And, supporting them in their education, money, food, and the fact you gave birth to them, doesn't mean they are in debt to you, or, they "belong" to you!

So, yes, I do wake up feeling like I want to stay in my dreams forever. I do wake up a little disappointed that I'm back in reality. That on top of the "family" issue that I'm still facing, I've chosen to be in a weird r/s situation before that possibly have scarred me on top of the family situation, that I did not went for a fashion design career path. And no, I do not blame it on my Dad to not know how to support me in my passion. All he wants is for me to do something in my career where the money is, so he doesn't have to worry 'bout me not surviving after he left. And, I've allowed myself to take all these path. But I'm starting to feel empty in a certain part of me. Yes, I'm still trying to seek, and work out so I have the balance. And no, don't tell me no one can have everything. I will still try to keep my head up and strive for what I can get till I'm burn out, and then, admit defeat. I'm feeling really close to that but, no, I guess I still have a strong mind, or my dreams or maybe its my will that is still keeping me going (god's gift to me - my will-willfulness comes with it too). I have not reach the point of burnt out yet. That is a positive note in all these.

Maybe when I'm burnt out, I just hope that I may be allowed to stay in my dreams, with the person who makes me happy, safe and warm.